Tanning

I went tanning for the first time last night. It was crazy and really should have been an episode of Seinfeld or something.
First, there are like three different types of tan you can get in three different beds. Who knew? I had a coupon and I think I ended up getting enough tans to last me through 2009. I had no idea what I was doing but the girl who worked there was very helpful. She would ask me questions and I would just smile and give an apologetic shrug. Do I want the bronze tan or the turbo tan? How the heck am I supposed to know? I just need to get rid of these tan lines.
Then she asked me if I was going to use any lotion. I said oh yes, of course I am. I brought SPF50 for my face. I don't want wrinkles. She smiled politely and said she recommends a lotion that will treat my skin and help me tan easier. Oh. I didn't even know.
She suggested this one kind that helps with anti-aging. She had me sniff it and asked if I liked how it smelled. Sure. Smells like diesel fuel and flowers. Whatever. At least it comes with a free turquoise bracelet!
She takes me to the room. We agree six minutes is the best for me to start and I'll start with the bronzing tan to build a base. She tells me to put the tanning lotion all over and get into the bed. Hit the red button to start or stop. Hit the yellow for facial cause our faces tan last! (and wrinkle first, I think to myself).
She leaves, I put on a ton of SPF50 on my face and then the tanning lotion over everything else. I get into the bed, put on the goggles and turn it on. (not to mention pulling down the cover over me that reminds me too much of a coffin) A woosh of air starts flowing and the lights are on full blast. Here is my train of thought:
What's with the air flow? Is that so I don't sweat? Gross. I'm laying in other people's sweat.
This is kind of bright. I should keep my eyes shut, even with the goggles. (clench eyes shut) Wonder what would happen if the glasses fell off? Would my eyes burn out of the socket?
Crap. I put the towel under my head but it's blocking my shoulders. (I rearrange, which is difficult with the goggles on and the confined space).
Crap, my hands. What if they burn. How am I supposed to write with burned hands? (I clench my hands into a fist)
How long is 6 minutes? This is really long. What if she put it on too long? I would burn up and they wouldn't find me until they started smelling that smell. The cops would come in and take my body. (envision what a burned body looks like... and yes I know what one looks like) Someone would write in the paper about how I had such a bright future ahead of me and was supposed to get married in two months.
(I then start panicking and try to take deep breaths but then the lights go out, 6 minutes done)
But it worked out pretty well. Today I see a little color, but not much. Oh and I kind of burned my boobs. Not a lot, but they're kind of pink. They hurt a little this morning...